Ep 11; Emotional intelligence in the workplace with Bosede Oyelakin

Bosede, a certified psychotherapist talks us through emotional intelligence in the workplace. 

Two interesting insights stood out for me;

1. The importance of being a trauma-informed leader.
2. Your mental health can deteriorate just as physical health does. You don't have to remain in a toxic workplace

Contact her on Linkedin: Bosede Christiana Oyelakin
Email: writebosedeoyelakin@gmail.com

Transcript

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Thank you so much. Thank you so much for honoring to be a guest on my podcast. I really appreciate. So, um, before we continue, uh, welcome everyone to this podcast distress with Dr. E. I think this is episode 10 or 11, one of them. So it's been an interesting journey. And with me here is a wonderful lady. I really respect and I admire. She, she is a, an embodiment of knowledge. She's an embodiment of knowledge, especially when it comes to the mental health space. And I've invited her today to help us through emotional intelligence in the workplace. And um, I'm going to let her introduce herself, Bosede, just tell us about yourself. I'd like to commend you and affirm what you're doing, excuse me, as a stress management coach. I mean, helping people to identify stress and ways to manage them. So, I am Kosa Di Kusana Elaki. I'm a mental health therapist. I've been in the counseling and therapy profession for over eight years now. And then I help men, women, and children. I started my work as a school counselor, helping teenagers and adolescents understand the challenges of life, how it affects them, how it affects their academics, and then how they can make better plans to transition into fulfilling and healthy adults. Then in the last two years, going to about three years now, I moved into providing mental health support and services. I'm still attending to men, women and children because I'm passionate and Particular about children, about that particular spectrum of development, because we have children, we have teenagers, and then we have adults. Because I believe that if we can work on teenagers, and we work on their wellness, we work on their perception, work on the stimuli and little challenges that affect them, that we, you know, as adults, it would transition into Adults that are healthier, that are positive, and they're, you know, more focused when it comes to life. I'm self driven as well. Wow. You know, that that makes sense. Um, during the stress management summits last year, you're teaching on my child's mental well being. It was really sound, really, really sound. I had to bring it again. And let me, let me, let me pitch, um, let me pitch a project at the moment. So for this year's summit, I'm thinking of something with regards to family. You know, as in something that has to do with family, because I want this year to be focused on the family unit, you know, to see if there is a way we can, um, teach something or just help families help marriages. Because nobody is happy with these, um, everyday news of divorce, everyday news of children growing up in, in broken homes. So I want to see us on to be focused on families. And I was wondering, can I invite you again, please? I would love to be a part of the summit. so much. so much for that. I hope I didn't put you on the spot. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate it. Okay. So today, um, I want, I wanted us to talk about emotional intelligence in the workplace. Okay. Because, oh my God, because the workplace is such a place that you meet different people, you meet different characters and you meet people that respond to stress in different ways. You know, so I want a situation where how do we try to manage our emotions when people express their stress in certain ways that may come off as rude or they may become irritable to us as in they will just do something that gets us on our nerves that may make us want to have an outburst of our emotions. So what can you say about emotional intelligence in the workplace? Okay. So, um, I love using the teaching approach and um, I would start by, sometimes I start by saying you should pardon me but I think I should not apologize anymore. Once a teacher, always a teacher. So I'm going to split um, this concept because emotional intelligence is a concept and there are two key words talking about emotions and talking about intelligence. So in emotions has to do with how you're feeling. Understanding how we're feeling, what our feelings, you know, uh, is pointing to is directed towards and then intelligence is the level of knowledge that, uh, we have in consciousness of the level of knowledge that we have. Now, let me get these two distinct words together. Which my intelligence is understanding how our emotions work and how to manage them. So it's a different thing to understand to know that he has to have emotions and also have the knowledge on how to manage, manage them. And I think this is where the challenge comes from in workplaces. So, you know that, ah, this is a, using myself as an example, she's entitled to work. Always frowning, always, you know, irritated, any small thing, ch ch ch ch ch, no one must go to her desk, you know, and all of that. So, we have the knowledge or the understanding of certain emotions that are peculiar to this person. How do we manage it? Like the question that you asked. First off, we need to even understand ourselves. That's the truth, because a lot of times I have seen that, as adults, even as grown ups, what people expect of us, most times we don't understand ourselves. Even as adults that we are, we don't understand ourselves and the ability to understand ourselves is to be self aware one, to be empathic with ourselves. In the last six months, a lot has happened in my life that normally Or I would say before now, before I started paying attention to my mental health to self awareness hours from 2020, I would have talked down on myself a whole lot. And sometimes we do that. We may not do it openly, but for some persons, It has become a struggle for them that they even say openly, they talk down on themselves openly, or that their behavior, their demo, their relationship with others can tell that, okay, this person has, you know, a low or poor self talk when it comes to how they perceive themselves. So how do we even relate with ourselves? That is where we should begin from. How do we relate with ourselves? So when I'm sad, do I have the understanding why I'm sad? Do I know the things that are happening in my life, happening around me, or happening in the lives of people around me, that trigger that emotion? So, Mrs. Oyelokinda comes to work always frowning and always irritable, teasing me. Have we tried to understand why? Some people will say, well, we haven't come to work, nobody has come to work, so she has come to make money, I've come to make money, but beyond that, that is why we also need professionals, a psychologist, or an HR that is trained in this aspect, you know, to provide mental first aid, okay, if this person is always like this, There must be a reason. Maybe it's in the childhood experiences. Maybe it's the marriage that is suffering. Maybe, you know, the person doesn't even like the work and the person is just there because she does not have a choice. She just has to make money, but there is no behavior. There is no, you know, act like we said, there's no action. There's no reaction without an action. Without intrigue that understanding or practicing emotional intelligence in the world is absolutely understanding why people act the way they do and how to manage those emotions. Even the very tough person is managing, even the very tough person. Yes. Okay. That sounds interesting. So it's more like getting to understand why people are behaving the way they do. Like, um, let me give an instance. There is, let me say there is like a workplace where someone is, um, is always getting on the nerves of others. You know, reacting a certain, in a certain kind of way that make people get so annoyed. So, um, what you're saying is in such a situation I think is best, lemme say, when people have escalated this issue, that person A is behaving in sight in a certain kind of way that is making the workplace uncomfortable for us. There should be a system, maybe the HR or anyone, a system that would, um, try to call this person to kind of understand. Why they are doing this, but I've realized that there are certain workplaces where we are even afraid to call out people or to escalate how people are treating us. And because we feel, uh, we may get fired for reporting such person, or we just don't want to be in anybody's black book you get, I see it. It has also happened in my, in one of my workplaces back in Nigeria. So what I want to know, what do you think someone can do? In that situation, like you're afraid, you just don't want to be in someone's black book. You just want to play it safe. But then again, you don't want to suffer because of someone else's emotional, um, poorly managed emotions. What can you do? Okay. I hope you can hear me. Yeah, it's fine. The, this challenge will be resolved if we begin from the top. And I'm going to be honest about this. I mean, from the management, from the work culture and the system. So if someone is in a workplace where it's all about deliverables, meeting your KPI, You know, running and achieving the goals and tasks of the organization, then it will be challenging to achieve this. So, from the top now, we are addressing the management. There is, there was a course that, a short course that I did on LinkedIn a few months ago. And, um, I think Darwin, Darwin is the name of the instructor, and she talked about being a trauma informed leader. We're getting a last name now, a trauma informed leader. And even though the course was a short one, I really recommend trauma informed training for every leader, whether you, you know, you're leading an organization, you're a leader in your family, like a parent. Excuse me. So, you know, since we're talking about the workplace now, I really recommend that for every entrepreneur. More than 50 percent of the people in the entire population of the place have experienced one form of trauma or the other. If I started by saying that Mrs. Oylakinda is irritable and always frowning, it could be from her childhood experiences. So, try to experience your all stars in the past, marriage is the present for you, it could be a traumatic marriage, it could be a case of infidelity, you know, and the finances and all sorts of things, and there are traumatic experiences for this individual, and you expect that person, you know, to come to work looking, you know, cheerful and smiling all the time. So, it has to begin from the top. How many leaders are from where you formed? I mean, have an idea of what trauma is, what trauma does to us, the functioning of our brain, what it does to our skin, what it does to, you know, our intra Personal relationship, that's the relationship we have with ourselves, what it does to our interpersonal relationship, the relationships that we have with others, how it also filters into other aspects of our lives. Every leader, I'm recommending that every leader that wants to That wants to show that care. I mean, that level of care, serious care when it comes to the workplace, I'm recommending that every leader should be somewhat informed, have an understanding, have an idea of what trauma is and how it affects us. Then if you give people that platform, their mental health is not detached from their daily living. That you, you understand the, the relationship between their mental health and, uh, you know, their job description or their roles, their functioning, then people would have, maybe not that person, but the people around, you know, that person suffering, struggling at that point, they would also have the motivation, the courage to speak out. And you would have provided the right channel for report. The channel could be an HR that is a mental health first aider. We also have training when it comes to mental, being a mental health first aider that is someone that can identify. Um, challenges that someone is going through affecting their mental health, what this person can do. Yes, the person cannot provide counseling, you know, or therapy, support, but this person is already trained to identify certain trends. We just see it as, we see it as negative behavior. This person has been trained to know that this behavior is a reflection of what is. happening psychologically to this person, then this person cannot refer, refer to a psychologist, a psychiatrist, depending on the complexity of the challenge of that colleague or that employee. So we need to begin from the top. If The management of an organization or business owners, if they are not passionate, if they are not particular about the relationship between mentors and the workplace, then it will not fly because everyone wants to be quiet. Once you show vulnerability, it means that possibly in all meetings, you will be an example. And that is why people don't want to talk. The person cannot be an example in meetings, or the person, you know, cannot be picked on from time to time. So once something happens, let's say he or she falls short of delivering a task or meeting a deadline, then that person will always be fired up. Then, um, they may be the line manager or the direct boss. Your advice is that a person reports a wound. Now refer to what has happened last week or happened two months ago. And, you know, because of the fear of losing your job, I mean, this is what brings you. Money. This is your, your life, your source of income. People don't want to talk. So they would rather max their feelings, max their struggles, and just pretend that everything is going on fine. Whereas it's not. So it begins from the management of any organization. Wow. You know, I picked up something important. You mentioned, um, from being a trauma informed leader, being a trauma informed leader, it makes a whole lot of difference. Okay. And then you mentioned about, um, a workplace, understanding the relationship between mental health and work. Uh, can you just tell me like, what's the relationship between mental health and the job So, our processes As humans begin from the brain, I tell people that you're hungry. I mean, that is like the simplest and gay example that I can use. You're hungry and you begin to feel, you know, the hunger and the feeling that you want to eat. It is not just a natural occurrence. Something has happened in your brain that has transmitted information to your body that it's time to eat. And this is the relationship between our mental and work fields. If one is struggling with his or her mental health, or if the mental state of an individual is poor, is struggling, is lagging, is suffering, you know, whichever adjective that we want to use, then that person will not function properly in the workplace. Because, of course, to carry out the job, your brain also needs to be in the right, you know, frame of mind. Your brain needs to be settled. Your brain needs to be relaxed. Your brain needs to be positive. And, you know, when I'm saying the brain, I mean also the combination of the mind because the brain affects the entire function. So, you know, a man that is having challenges at home, even with the wife, it has to do with finance. Or maybe he has, you know, a child that is a specialist child, for example, and it's taking a lot of time. That man's mental health is already struggling because there is no how a parent would detach that aspect of life from his or her functioning. Or let's say, you know, the woman that is trying to conceive. Yes, the money could be there, the job could be there, the love from the husband could be there, but every woman, every woman wants to carry a child. Every woman wants to be a child. So you can't say that that aspect of a woman's life is separated from the workings. No, it's not. Because once she begins to think about it, and then maybe have certain, you know, discussions, cognitive discussions, like we do at times, maybe begin to blame ourselves, blame, you know, past experiences that have happened, or not so good. In this part of the world where we don't know how to mind our business, sometimes people begin to ask certain questions. Yes, to a larger extent, we don't know how to mind our business. Auntie Beryl, are you not ready to burn? It's been three years, oh, this, this, this, and that. All this, this, this, you know, they begin to make comments. Comments that maybe to them it just seems like they care. But these comments are haunting the person, the woman, the individual. So there is no how that challenge will not affect the world because she could be at work and then she's thinking about what her neighbor said yesterday. Or maybe, you know, what a family member said yesterday, if there's pressure from there. Or what I was, you know, said last week, if there's pressure from there. Or what people in the environment are even saying. And some They can say, well, don't send my child on an errand. Well, you don't know what it means to have a child. You know, statements like that can come from people from this part of the world. So there is no how our mental health is not tied to our workplace. If we are not in the right frame of mind, if our brain is suffering and struggling as a result of other struggles that we are having in our lives, and we are, we are not able to manage them, or we have been unable to. With those circumstances, I'm managing so much that it does not fit into other aspects of our lives. Then our work will suffer, at some point in time, because we'll be at work, we'll be absent minded, we'll be at work and possibly angry or transfer aggression on others. Yes. Hmm. Wow. Thank you so much for those examples, because they actually, the realities of some people, you know, let me, let me bring it down to, um, to us, like, let me say like Africa, like Nigeria, you know, these, uh, mental health awareness is still. It's still growing compared to the Western parts of the world, and not every organization is really interested in the mental well being of people, of their employees. You know, that's why you explained, okay, this is how the mental health can impact people's jobs. So if they understand this, they'll be invested in people's mental well being. For optimum product, uh, productivity and also income increased income of the workplace. So the question now is because of this lack of awareness, because of this lack of awareness, what advice will you give to, um, let me see just an employee. Okay. An employee that is suffering the toxicity from other people from other work colleagues, because somebody will just will not just wake up one morning and quit their jobs because of something going on in the workplace, because the bills have to be paid. They need to feed. As well as probably school fees and stuff like that. So, what will you tell the individual that is in the midst of all of this? So, how will they manage their emotions to thrive in the meantime? Probably until they get another job or anything like that. You need to take care of yourself. I mean, the individual now, as an employee that is struggling with his or her mental health, you need to take care of yourself. While I understand that financial challenges can also affect our mental health, but if you know that you are struggling with some aspect of life that is affecting your work, or it wouldn't be the work that is affecting your mental health, Then my advice would be, first off, have a plan, have a plan. Um, you can't just wake up and say, I want to quit my job. That's not realistic. You could have a plan of, let's say, three months, four months. And then, how am I going to save in the next, you know, one month to the fourth month? So if I quit my if I quit this job, for example, how long to be realistic want to look at Um your niche your market the kind of services that you provide or what you sell How long will it take me to get another job? Will it take me like a month? Will it take me like two? And then how long will it be if I do not get another job? How long will it be for me to start getting agitated? Because you know yourself, some persons cannot stay home without working. Another question this person can ask is, well, what can I do in the meantime? Who I get a job or the job of my or another? Will, uh, you know, suffice for the one that I want to please. These are some of the questions that you need to ask now. Because if it is the job that is affecting the mental health of dying people, the time will come where you will lose a lot. And I will say for everyone listening to me, on the line of risk, you lose a lot. Such as your self esteem. Such as the ability to control your emotions, that's true, such as the ability to manage yourself, and it might even turn towards losing your life. I mean, when you are not in the right frame of mind, when you are not in that place, you know, to function as you would love to, or to function to your full capacity. How do you become beneficial to yourself and to others? And we are not finding a payment that is where in thoughts such as suicide, self harm will begin to form. That's where people begin to have suicidal ideations. So the best thing is first to look out for yourself. You may think that, oh, if I quit this job, will I get another, another wound? That is the first step. And that is why the individual needs to ask the questions that I have rolled out earlier on. Have a plan. What do you think will work for you? Three months, six months, it should not also be, it should not also take too long because our mental health, I tell people, our mental health can deteriorate. So is the way our physical health can deteriorate. If you're having malaria symptoms, malaria is common in this part of the world, Nigeria. If you're having malaria symptoms, and you know that this is malaria symptoms, and you don't treat yourself, you don't go to the hospital, you don't get anti malaria drug, you don't get tested, you What will happen one day, you might begin to hold your head like this because of the intense headache, that feeling, and then fever. For some persons, it even gets acute and reduces their lives. Malaria is just the simplest I can use. There are other sicknesses that if you do not pay attention to, you can say, obviously there is high blood pressure, obviously the hospital. Our body in our physical health deteriorates and our mental health can also deteriorate. So if you're, if you're saying that, okay, because of the fear that we miss out, we might not get another job in time. Also understand that your mental health, that is the functioning of your brain and your mind can also deteriorate. You can get to a point where you might even get the job of your dreams and you can't function in that job. Like, you have the job where, oh, they care about the employee's wellness so much. And then, uh, the work time is favorable. The pay is favorable for your struggling. You're struggling to show up daily. There are now mental conditions such as Depression, such as hopelessness. You're not just struggling, struggling to make it work. And even though they are showing them, they are showing the care and that support, but you're just struggling, you are hit rock bottom. So before we get to that point where we hit rock bottom, do something. Wow. Wow. This awareness is on another level because, you know, not everyone has figured out the fact that if you remain in a toxic space, you, you lose, you lose, you lose yourself. You lose your esteem, you lose a lot of things and before you know it, these negative thoughts starts coming. So, um, just like you've mentioned, it's very important for us to have plan, like an exit plan. It's not something you'd be like, okay, let me just be managing. No, because like you mentioned, just like the physical health deteriorates, that's also how the mental health deteriorates. But if you have a plan, you, it also helps you because there's something you're looking forward to. So it can help you cope in the meantime until you exit, but don't just manage that toxicity. Because you will lose. So thank you so much for that. That was really, really insightful. Thank you so much for that. Do you have any last words for people listening on emotional intelligence in the workplace? We should be empathic with ourselves. I preach empathy, I preach self awareness, I preach, um, mental wellness. But when we are empathic with ourselves, we would have the ability not just to recognize that others are struggling, but we can also offer support and help. And this is not just for others. Being empathic and being compassionate with yourself would save you. So when I'm seeing you, I mean, everyone listening to me to save you a lot of decisions that are, you know, hazardous to your health, particularly to your mental health. Because when you're empathic and compassionate towards yourselves, you will always think about the implication of your decisions. The decision of others that you are involved in, either directly or directly, and how the relationship of others affects you. So I'm telling everyone today that be empathic. Learn how to be compassionate with yourself, yes. And it's a skill that we all can learn, that is self compassion. Learn how to be compassionate with yourself. The way you talk to yourself, the way you treat yourself, the way you address issues, the way you make decisions. Wow. Thank you so much for that. I'm very, very sure that somebody will find that really helpful. So rather than beating up yourself, uh, blaming yourself, just show yourself some compassion so that you will also be useful to the rest of us as well. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you. So you're a mental health counselor. If someone needs your services, how can they get to you? Okay. I'm on LinkedIn. I'll post it there, Christina. Are you lucky? Across all my social media handles, um, actually LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook, my, um, social media handle names is Bossedi Christiana Elaki. And you can also reach me on email. Write Bossedi Elaki at gmail. com. Write, that is the, uh, the word to write, to pen down something. W R I T E. Right, what's happening? We're lacking at Jimmy. So send me a mail. Send me a DM on every meal on all my social media handles and, you know, feel free to enter my DM. I would be willing and most glad to answer all questions and queries. I'll, I'll also put this in the description of, um, this podcast, so feel free to reach out to her. She has given you the access. Feel free to write her and maximize her services. She's really good. You listened. So I don't even need to say more. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you everyone who has joined this podcast and I know you found it really helpful as much as you can. Please share this, share this to your work colleagues. If you can. In fact, I, I encourage you share this to your line managers, to your employer, your bosses, share it to them so that they will also learn about, uh, being trauma informed leaders and also make the workspace a safe place for you because you spend most of your time there and it can impact on your entire wellbeing, how you relate to your family or whoever is important to you when you go back home. So. Inform your, uh, your work colleagues, your leaders about this web, about this podcast. So that they too will learn. Okay. Thank you so much for joining. Bye.